Why the Post-Separation Periods Feels Like an Extension of the Abuse

Why the Perpetrating Father’s Actions Feel Like an Extension of the Abuse

In relationships marred by Coercive Control, the Perpetrator's Patterns of Behaviors are not isolated incidents but part of deliberate, systematic patterns that aims to establish/maintain power over you and your children. These patterns often intensify in the Post-Separation Period, and can manifest in ways that feel abusive/controlling to you, all while appearing “normal” or “neutral” to others/third parties. Key reasons for this include but are not limited to:

His Desire to Control Persists in the Post-Separation Period:

• Coercive Control is about dominating your autonomy, and separation amplifies the Perpetrating Father's desire to control you. Post-Separation, the Perpetrating Father is known to shift tactics to maintain control over you but in a way that is more covert. The Perpetrating Father will use custody proceedings, file false CPS reports, engage in prolonged litigation, financial manipulation, and issue excessive communications to you, as a tool to harass and intimidate you/your shared child.
• Example: The Perpetrating Father might repeatedly file frivolous motions, delay child support payments, and insist on issuing excessive, harassing communications about minor details under the guise of wanting to "co-parent." These actions may seem harmless to third-parties but are, in fact, calculated to exhaust, destabilize, or punish you/your child. 

Abuse is Embedded in Seemingly Harmless Actions:

• Perpetrators often appear reasonable and “fatherly.” For instance, requesting frequent updates on your child’s activities might seem like "involved parenting" to third parties but in the context of Post-Separation Abuse, it's a means of monitoring your life and creating openings for his constant criticism of you.
• Example: The Father might demand detailed schedules of your child’s whereabouts, under the guise of concern, but his true intent is to track your movements and accuse you of neglect, instilling fear in you and oftentimes, your child. 

Psychological Impact on You:

• As a Survivor of Coercive Control, every interaction with the Perpetrating Father can result in trauma responses flaring, due to the history of manipulation, fear, intimidation, physical violence and/or gaslighting. Even neutral-sounding emails or texts oftentimes feel threatening to you because they occur within the context of a broader Pattern of Abuse and Post-Separation Abuse.
• Example: A seemingly polite message like “I just want to discuss our child’s school schedule” may carry an implicit threat when the Father has a history of using such discussions to berate, intimidate and harass you.

The Perpetrating Father's Use of Systems as Tools of His Abuse:

• Post-Separation Abuse involves elements of Vexatious Litigation, also known as Legal Abuse. This is where the Perpetrating Father exploits the legal system/the Family Court System to continue controlling you, in the Post-Separation Period. This includes filing frivolous motions, delaying proceedings, lodging false allegations and prolonging conflict to drain your resources.
• Example: The Perpetrating Father might challenge custody agreements repeatedly, not because he seeks more time with your child, but to keep exposing you to costly, stressful legal proceedings that undermine you and cause distress in you.

Manipulation Through Your Children:

• The Perpetrating Father leverages your children to exert his control. He will undermine your parenting, make derogatory comments about you to the children, he will outright disparage you to them and use his visitation time/influence to create conflict and instill fear in you/the children. These actions are abusive because they prioritize his need for control, over your child’s well-being.
• Example: The Perpetrating Father might refuse to return your child on time after visitation, claiming your child "wanted to stay longer,” to provoke you and assert his dominance over you.

Why Third Parties Often Miss Context

Third parties like GALs, Judges, or Mediators often fail to recognize the Perpetrating Father’s actions as abusive because of systemic biases and practical challenges in the Family Court System. These challenges ensure the broader context of Coercive Control remains unaddressed, leading to misinterpretations of the Perpetrator’s behavior as “conflict” or “disagreements.” In addition, when you raise concerns about the Perpetrating Father, by default, you risk being met as the Perpetrator instead. Key reasons include but are not limited to:

Lack of Training on Coercive Control:

• Many third-party professionals are not adequately trained to recognize Coercive Control, which is often subtle and non-physical compared to overt, physical violence. Coercive Control includes tactics like gaslighting, isolation, and financial control, which may not leave visible evidence but is still deeply harmful.
• Impact: A GAL or Judge might see the Father’s over communication and legal filings as “engaged parenting” rather than tools of harassment, missing his underlying intent to control you.

Overemphasis on “Neutral” or “Objective” Evidence:

• Family Courts can prioritize tangible evidence (documented physical abuse, for example) over the psychological and emotional patterns of Coercive Control. Behaviors such as monitoring you, excessive litigation, and veiled threats may not be documented in a way that Courts recognize as abuse.
• Example: The Father’s pattern of sending dozens of emails demanding minor details about your child might be dismissed as “overzealous” rather than manipulative, especially if his tone with you appears civil in nature.

Bias Toward “Equal Parenting”:

• Courts often operate under a presumption that both parents should have "equal" involvement with the kids, which can lead to the minimization of abusive behaviors. Perpetrating Fathers exploit this by presenting themselves as dedicated, loving fathers, masking their controlling motivations and abusive conduct. 
• Example: The Father insists on having 50/50 custody, which makes him appear as a committed parent, even if his history dictates that he has shown complete disregard for the children previously. He uses threats of a custody transfer to control you during the relationship and after.

Misinterpretation of Your Behavior:

• Victims of Coercive Control often appear anxious, angry, and uncooperative in Court due to trauma, which can be misinterpreted as instability/hostility. In contrast, Perpetrators often present as calm and charming, manipulating perceptions in their favor.
• Example: If you have an emotional reaction to the Father's manipulative behavior, that might be seen as “overreacting” by a GAL, while the Father’s calculated calmness is viewed positively.

Fragmented View of the Case:

• Third parties often see only snapshots of interactions between you and the Perpetrating Father (a single court hearing or email exchange) rather than the cumulative Pattern of Abuse. Without the full context of the relationship’s history, abusive behaviors can appear isolated or as a "normal" part of separation.
• Example: A Judge might view the Father's request for more visitation as reasonable, unaware that it follows months of harassing communications designed to intimidate/harass/frighten you.

The Perpetrator’s Manipulation of Systems:

• Perpetrators of Coercive Control are skilled at manipulating legal systems and third parties. They may present themselves as victims, make false allegations and use charm to deflect scrutiny, further confusing third parties and/or obscuring the abusive dynamic, as a whole.
• Example: The Father might claim you're “alienating” your child from him, flipping the narrative to portray himself as the wronged party, while the GAL or Judge lacks the context to see this as a DARVO tactic and an extension of his control.

Time and Resource Constraints:

• GALs and Judges often have heavy caseloads, limiting their ability to deeply investigate the history of Coercive Control or Post-Separation Abuse. They may rely on surface-level information, missing the nuanced Patterns of Abuse and Perpetrating Patterns.
• Example: A GAL might not have time to review years of text messages showing the Father’s controlling behavior, focusing instead on recent interactions that appear more neutral/calm.

Implications for Victims

• Re-traumatization: When third parties fail to recognize abuse, you may feel invalidated, blamed, or forced to engage with the Perpetrator in ways that perpetuate trauma.
• Prolonged Abuse: Court decisions that grant the Perpetrating Father access and influence provide new openings for Post-Separation Abuse to occur. Perpetrating Fathers use children and the Court System to maintain control.
• Barriers to Safety: You may struggle to protect yourself/your children when The System does not acknowledge the ongoing abuse, leaving you vulnerable to continued manipulation and harassment.

Strategies for Victims

To help third parties see the Context of Coercive Control and Post-Separation Abuse, you can:

• Document Patterns: Keep detailed records of abusive behaviors, including emails, texts, or incidents that show control or harassment, even if they seem minor in isolation.
• Highlight Impact on Children: Emphasize how the Father’s behaviors affect the children’s well-being, as Courts often prioritize child welfare.
• Use Safer Communication Channels: Ask your Attorney about requesting court-ordered communication platforms to limit direct contact.
• Request Protective Measures: Ask your Attorney if you can implement court orders to limit contact or supervise interactions with the Perpetrating Father.
• Engage Specialized Legal Help: An Attorney experienced in Coercive Control may be able to help present the context effectively to the Court.
• Know Your Language: Know how to describe these tactics.

The Perpetrating Father’s actions feel like an extension of abuse because they are. His behaviors are designed to maintain control, exploiting the your vulnerabilities through legal, financial, emotional, and "co-parenting" avenues. Third parties such as GALs and Judges may miss this context due to systemic biases, lack of training, or the Perpetrator's ability to hide behind their public presentations. By documenting patterns, collaborating with professionals, and by seeking support, you can better navigate these challenges and advocate for your safety and your children’s safety, as well.