The Question That Should Haunt the System, Not the Survivor

I knew exactly how "it" happened. But I didn’t want to say anything out loud in that room, because the facts would've offended her and distracted from the matter at hand. I didn't want to focus on the past, or the charges he evaded previously. So I just shrugged and answered, “I don’t know, Your Honor.”

I have been asked that same question dozens of times. By prosecutors, by attorneys, by domestic violence advocates, by police officers, even by legislators who supposedly write laws to protect women like me. “How did this happen?” they'll ask, which usually evolves into other questions, such as but not limited to, “How did you not see the red flags?” and, “If he was so violent, why didn’t you just leave sooner?”

I have come to understand that when they ask me - the victim-survivor - “How did this happen?” most people are not actually trying to learn anything from my experience. They are regulating their own discomfort. They are expressing disbelief that something so terrible could happen to someone who seems intelligent and functional. They are protecting themselves from the terrifying truth: "it" can happen to anyone.

Because if they admit it can happen to anyone, they'll have to admit it could happen to them.

The Hypocrisy That Keeps Me Up at Night

Society looks at mothers like me with contempt. We are treated as foolish, defective, reckless – as though we deliberately chose violent, manipulative men to father our children. We are shamed with endless variations of the same two questions:

• “Why did she stay?”

• “How could she not have seen who he really was?”

We are blamed for being deceived.

And yet…

I have watched these same men – the ones who targeted us when we were young, naive, poor, isolated, and simply trusting - walk into courtrooms (years later) and fool the most highly educated, highly trained people in the building.

They use the exact same perpetrating tactics too:

• The sudden charm turned on like a light switch

• Their calm, measured voice

• The perfectly timed tears

• Their selective memory

• The "she's an alienator!" victim narrative

• The subtle character assassination disguised as concern

They perform. And the performance works! On Judges. On evaluators. On attorneys who went to Ivy League schools. On guardians ad litems who have seen hundreds of cases. On therapists who wrote the books about "narcissism" and other nonsense.

These professionals nod along, take notes, and then turn to us - the ones who lived with the perpetrator behind closed doors - and say, with genuine confusion, “But he seemed so reasonable in Court?”

Excuse me?

He seemed "so reasonable" because that is the entire design of the trap!

The same tactics that ensnared an innocent, inexperienced 20-something-year-old woman, now disarm a family-court judge with thirty years experience on the bench. Yet somehow we're the ones who are supposed to know "how" this all happens? We are held to higher standards than the professionals in the room? And at the same time treated like dumb women, who can't make decisions for themselves? Which one is it? Women can't be dumb, but also so smart that they "outsmart" a deceitful, lying, manipulative and cunning perpetrator!

The System Is Being Played – Right Here, Right Now

We condemn women for being deceived, while the entire System is actively being deceived by the very same men, using the very same strategies.

We demand that victims should "know" everything, yet the people with power, resources, training, and the benefit of hindsight fall for the exact same tactics/strategies - sometimes in real time, on the record, in a courtroom.

And then those same professionals turn around and penalize us for the audacity of having once believed the lie that everyone in the room is believing, in real time!

So Let Me Answer the Question Honestly

How did this happen?

It happened because perpetrators are exceptionally good at what they do. They fool law enforcement, they fool family members, they fool their church clergies, they fool EVERYONE! It happened because manipulation is sophisticated, patient, and tailored. It happened because perpetrators know how to use powerful psychological tactics and convincing Talking Points. They know how to use bias to their advantage and their presence is powerful enough to override instinct, education, and even direct evidence!

And most of all, it happened because the same society that shames moms for "falling" for it, cannot recognize when the con is performed right in front of them, by a man who knows how to cry on cue!

So the next time someone asks you, “How did this happen?” maybe you shouldn't shrug like I did.

Maybe you should look them in the eye and say:

“The same way it’s happening to you right now.”